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Every Bond Girl Ranked by How Hard I’d Fumble

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BY MATT FRESH ON JUNE 12, 2024
The James Bond series is known for many things. Globe-trotting
adventures, blood-pumping action, diabolical villains with overly
theatrical lairs, strange henchmen that have a single quirk that
encapsulates their entire persona, elaborate death traps that take just
long enough for Bond to escape before he’s killed, and so on. Perhaps
the thing which the series is most known for next to Bond himself is the
Bond Girl.

Bond Girls come in many forms. Some are femme fatales, some are outright
enemies, some are allies and some are just one-night stands. Some of
them are just as badass and skillful as Bond, some of them are complete
ditzes only there for eye candy and some of them are Denise Richards as
a nuclear physicist. While they all come from different backgrounds,
have different motivations, different skills, and different amounts of
plausibility, the one thing every Bond Girl has in common is that they
are the most beautiful women on earth. James Bond has the most rizz that
anyone with rizz has ever rizzed.

There’s a reason that all men want to be James Bond and that’s because
all the women want to be with him. Even the Bond girls he doesn’t sleep
with are still charmed by him. I on the other hand am the exact
opposite. Men don’t want to be me and women don’t want to be with me. I
write entertainment satire on the internet for goodness sake. I have
negative rizz. The only thing I have any skill at is fumbling. It’s why
my mom has no choice but to resign to the fact she will get no
grandchildren from me and I have no choice but to accept my fate of
dying alone while playing Mass Effect. I fumble women so much that I’d
win a medal at it if being bad at dating was an Olympic sport so I’d
stand no chance at even existing as a human in the vicinity of a Bond
Girl. Even if I was James Bond I would fumble them all. Not some of
them, not most of them, all of them. But not all fumbles are made equal
so here are all the Bond Girls ranked based on just how hard I would fumble.

75. Bibi Dahl
Bibi Dahl is a teenager so I wouldn’t even attempt anything. I’m not Drake.

74. Zora

Zora is a gypsy girl who is fighting another gypsy girl over a man.
Naturally Bond ends up with both of them. I of course would end up with
none of them but I do have a better chance with them than any other Bond
Girl. After all, they’re willing to fight over a gypsy dude so I figure
I’m not too shabby in comparison. At least until they get to know me.

73. Vida

Vida is the girl that Zora is fighting so everything I said about Zora
applies here as well. My one true shot is by being just slightly more
desirable than a gypsy man. That gives me a 0.01% chance to not fumble
which is 0.01% higher than my odds to not fumble any of the other Bond
Girls.

72. Nancy

Nancy is one of Blofeld’s Angels of Death, twelve women who think
they’re part of clinical allergy research but are actually being
brainwashed by Blofeld to release bio-weapons across the world. Nancy is
pretty nondescript. We never learn that much about her and the only
thing of substance she does in the film is seduce Bond minutes after
he’s already slept with another one of the women. The reason she’s
ranked so low is because of the very little things we do know about her.
For one, she seduces Bond because being at a research institute of all
women means she’s very horny so as long as I can be the only man there I
have a shot provided my presence doesn’t make her become a lesbian which
I will admit has happened once already so I don’t rule it out. The other
thing is that she’s there to cure a potato allergy so she must
absolutely love potatoes and my mom makes tons of potatoes so she can
come over for dinner. She’ll immediately leave after meeting my family
but it’s still the farthest I’d ever get with any of Bond Girl.

71. Ruby Bartlett
Ruby is the other of the Angels of Death that Bond sleeps with and much
of what I said about Nancy applies to her as well. I have a higher
chance of fumbling her however since she resembles a librarian and I
have a thing for hot librarians. What can I say I like to be shushed.

70. Ling
I don’t know much about Ling other than she’s some kind of agent who
helped Bond fake his death after sleeping with him. If she’s an agent
she’s clearly a capable woman who would have no trouble disposing of me.
But she also lets Bond get away with making comments about how Chinese
women taste different than other women so who knows what else she’d put
up with.

69. Caroline
Caroline is an MI6 psychological and psychiatric evaluator which means
I’m either going to become the basis of years worth of research or a
chance for her to fix me. It’s 50/50 honestly.

68. Marie

Marie is a henchwoman to Blofeld who has information that Bond needs. He
rips off her bikini top and chokes her with it until she talks. You’d
have to choke me with a bikini top to get me to work up the nerve to
talk to a hot French woman in a bikini and even if I did, nothing of
value would come out of my mouth. Luckily I’m Canadian so this beautiful
French lady and I already have one thing in common that may help my
odds. We hate Quebec.

67. Felicca

I approach her,

“Hi Felicca”

She gives me a steely stare

”Okay, bye Felicca”

66. Rosie Carver

Rosie Carver is a bit of a ditz. She’s not very good at her job as an
agent and generally just never really knows what’s going on or what to
do. This would give me a slight advantage as I too never know what’s
going on or what to do. I imagine her quirky, ditzy demeanor would make
her somewhat easy to talk to, although since I am incapable of talking
to attractive women it would still be difficult and I eventually would
blow it. She probably wouldn’t even realize my fumbles the first few
times which is good but it’s only a matter of time before I say or do
something that even she understands means I am not gonna be a guy she
goes home with.

65. Countess Lisl von Schlaf

My tombstone would read, “Matt Fresh, Eaten Alive by a Cougar”

64. Manuela

Manuela is a Brazillian agent who helps James Bond on his mission in
Moonraker by helping him obtain vital intel on villain Hugo Drax and
then helping him unwind in his hotel room. He successfully seduced her
by asking what there is to do for five hours in Rio if you don’t samba.
Now my chances with her are extraordinarily slim since despite them
being my holy grail, Latinas don’t seem to go for my ghastly white
complexion, and there’s only one thing my tongue is worse at than
rolling Rs. However, I also don’t samba so it seems she’s already
willing to help out a fellow like me. Perhaps I too could bed Manuela if
I simply ask her what there is to do for three minutes in Rio if you
don’t Samba.

63. Aki

Aki is a Japanese intelligence officer and is one of the more capable
Bond Girls in the whole series, saving Bond multiple times. She even
helps turn him into a Japanese man. Yes, you read that right, there’s a
Bond movie where he disguises himself as a Japanese man, the 60s were a
wild time. I doubt Aki would do any of that for a man as unremarkable as
me but never discount what a woman who’s willing to give her man the Mr.
Yunioshi makeover will deal with. Perhaps I have a shot.

62. Magda

Magda would hit me so hard that I would only remember as much of our
encounter as anyone remembers about the movie Octopussy. So not much.

61. Saida

Saida is a belly dancer which automatically means she’s too hot for a
schlub like me. My cousin had a belly dancer at her wedding and when she
approached my table I turned a shade of red that isn’t even in most
paint swatches. Imagine what would happen to me if I tried talking to
one. However, Saida tries to seduce Bond almost immediately upon meeting
him even though he’s a friend of her recently murdered lover 002 so
perhaps she’s just horny enough to not mind all of my many deficiencies.
Then again if there’s anyone that’s unappealing enough to turn off a
sex-happy belly dancer it’s me.

60. Chew Mee

“Chew Me, well don’t mind if I do, oh what’s that, you’re calling the
cops, okay I’m leaving.”

59. Natalya Simonova
I know some of you are thinking that I ranked Natalya fairly low solely
as some kind of deranged retribution for the annoyance of escorting her
around in the Goldeneye video game. But that’s only partly true. Natalya
is just a normal woman. She’s not an agent, not a henchwoman, not a
high-stakes poker player, not a rich and high-ranking member of society.
She’s just a regular person who goes to work, chats with her friends,
and lives an average life. Until of course, she ends up in the middle of
a Bond movie and becomes a Bond Girl and the bane of every N64 gamer’s
existence this side of Navi but I digress. She is still a smart,
attractive, independent woman so I, of course, have no chance but her
comparative normalness to the other Bond Girls means I have a chance at
least at not fumbling her as hard as the others. Plus she was friendly
to and put up with Boris before he was revealed as a traitor and I only
yell that I am invincible about half as much.

58. Thumper

Oh no Thumper, please don’t choke me with your thighs. /s

57. Bambi

Oh no Bambi, please don’t choke me with your thighs. /s

56. Kissy Suzuki

Kissy marries a yellow-faced Bond in a fake ceremony to allow him to
remain undercover as a Japanese fisherman. She’s a pretty terrible
character all things considered in that she doesn’t get very many lines
and doesn’t really do anything other than run around in a bikini for no
reason. As such we don’t really know much about her as a person,
certainly not enough for me to tell how hard I’d fumble but she’s cute
and looks good in a bikini so my odds of success are poor based on that
alone. Could I get a fake marriage with her? Maybe, I don’t know enough
about her to definitively say I couldn’t. At least that’s what I’ve
deluded myself into thinking. I’m so lonely.

55. Linda

Linda is a woman frustrated with the pool of men available to her. When
we see her in the movie, she’s on her yacht complaining on the phone
that the only men she finds are “playboys and tennis pros” and that she
wants to find a “real man”. Well Linda I may not be a real man but I’m
certainly no playboy or tennis pro.

54. Lupe Lamora

Lupe is the girlfriend of drug lord Franz Sanchez. Turns out that drug
lords do not make good boyfriends because Sanchez frequently abuses her
and when she steps out on him he has that man killed. She is so starved
for a decent man in her life that she declares her love for James Bond
despite barely knowing him and only sleeping together once. Seeing as
how she is so desperate for a decent guy who will treat her well, I
figure I have a better shot at her than I do most Bond Girls.
Unfortunately, as I mentioned before, Latinas are to me as Moby Dick is
to Captain Ahab and so even if her desperation drove her into my arms,
the pressure of finally snagging my white whale would lead me to
self-implode.

53. Miss Taro
Miss Taro is an informant for Dr. No who sleeps with Bond to keep him
occupied long enough for an assassin to arrive. Now I’m not saying that
I would put my life in danger by pretending to be a spy who needs to be
preoccupied long enough for an assassin to arrive but I’m also not
saying that I wouldn’t do that. However, I am me and therefore the ruse
would be given up quite quickly and I would be shot.

52. Paula Caplan

Agent Paula Caplan commits suicide by cyanide capsule rather than
divulging information under torture and she’d do the same rather than
talk to me.

51. Dr. Molly Warmflash

Dr. Warmflash is the MI6 physician and I’ve seen enough romcoms to know
how you charm and seduce a physician. You go for frequent checkups and
during those checkups, you flirt with them until eventually, you wear
them down enough for them to be okay with breaking the code of ethics.
It’s a classic play. Having said that, I’m not charming enough to simply
make pointless doctor’s appointments repeatedly which means I will have
to actually injure myself each time so I have a legitimate reason to be
there. I will be in so much pain that I won’t be charming or attractive,
I’ll just be a big blubbering baby and the only way she’ll go out with
me is out of pity.

bigsal
4 hours ago

I laughed a lot at this.

Hank
3 hours ago

What's with the bizarre racist vibes on 74 and 73, Matt?

"If I was in the same room as this woman I would explode into a puddle
of creamy goo."

page 2
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0. Patricia Fearing

Patricia Fearing is a nurse at a health clinic so pretty much everything
I said about Molly Warmflash applies to her as well. The reason she’s
ranked higher though is because Bond essentially blackmails her into
sleeping with him which I would never do so maybe she’ll at least
appreciate me for that. It’s a low bar to clear but you never know.

49. Miss Caruso

Miss Caruso is Italian which means at some point I’m going to do a Mario
Bros. impression. I can’t help it, it’s just who I am.

48. Tatiana Romanova

Tatiana is a cipher clerk for the Soviet Embassy in Istanbul who becomes
a pawn in SPECTRE’s plan to get revenge on Bond for killing Dr. No. Bond
and MI6 see the plan as a trap pretty much immediately but go along with
it anyway because they deem the reward worth the risk. The reward to MI6
is a Russian decoding machine and the reward Bond to Bond is Tatiana
herself. I’m with Bond, I’ll gladly walk into an obvious trap if it
meant meeting this woman. The first time Bond meets her, she’s lying in
his bed wearing nothing but a black choker. Naturally, he takes this
opportunity to charm and sleep with her. If I found her in my bed like
that I would faint. If this list was ranked on pure hotness, she’d be
near the top but I also have to take other factors into account. Tatiana
in essence is just a nice girl who got tricked into something under the
guise of helping her country and doing her job. Would I fumble her?
Absolutely, but she’d probably be nice about it and let me down easy as
opposed to most Bond Girls in which my life is in danger just by daring
to hit on them.

47. Kara Milovy

Kara is dating an evil Soviet General who’s playing both sides of the
Cold War so she clearly doesn’t have good taste in men. That bodes well
for me. She also willingly goes along with the General’s plan for her to
pretend to assassinate him which means she’s not very bright either.
That also bodes well for me. Despite her naivety, she’s very game to go
along with helping Bond despite how dangerous it is which shows she has
the conviction of a woman who would never sully herself with the likes
of me. She’s also a cellist with a passion for classical music and a
goal to travel the world so she’s not going to want to waste her time
with someone such as me who has a passion for Weird Al and a goal to
travel throughout Faerûn.

46. Pola Ivanova
Pola is a KGB agent which increases my chances of being killed tenfold
but the Bond she sleeps with is 57-year-old Roger Moore so perhaps if I
were to approach she’d just be happy that someone closer to her age is
interested. Doubt I’d get far enough to be invited in the hot tub though.

45. Bianca

Bianca drives by some guards that have captured Bond and flashes her
thighs at them to distract them, this allows Bond to escape. If she
flashed me her thighs I would just crash the car.

44. Solange Dimitrios

The wife of a criminal middleman, Solange first appears riding a horse
across the beach. The truth is I am so incredibly awkward and inept at
picking up social cues and signals that even if she were interested in
me, I would spend the whole time hanging out with the horse. Animals
rule, they’re better than people. Me and that horse are gonna be best
friends. Perhaps she’ll appreciate my love of animals and that will
endear me to her. That’s really my only shot.

43. Naomi

Naomi is the personal assistant/helicopter pilot to Karl Stromberg and
if she told me to jump into moving helicopter blades for a shot at first
base I would do it. Unfortunately, there’s no way she would ever speak
to me, and if I ever tried to hit on her I would end up freezing like
Mitch McConnell.

42. Kimberley Jones

Kimberly Jones is a British agent who pilots a submarine to help Bond
escape during the pre-title sequence of A View to a Kill. Immediately
after he enters the sub, he tells her to put it on autopilot and then
they have sex on the couch. That’s it, not flirting, no seduction, just
right away sex on the submarine couch. Why there’s an official
government-made submarine with a couch in it is beyond me. It seems like
Kimberly would have just had sex with anyone who stepped into that
submarine which bodes well for me. What doesn’t bode well is my penchant
for getting claustrophobic and freaking out. I’m too poor to implode in
an underwater vessel and my freak-out would kill the mood.

41. Bonita

I’d buy her bath water.

40. Andrea Anders

Another Bond Girl with terrible taste in men. Andrea Anders is the
mistress of the man with the golden gun himself Francisco Scaramanga. So
desperate is she to get out of that relationship that she makes Bond
think that Scaramanga is hunting him in an effort to get Bond to kill
the infamous assassin. Desperate enough to run into my arms? Probably
not. She’d probably stay with Scaramanga if I was her only other choice,
at least he has a skill and a good income.

39. Helga Brandt

Helga Brandt is a member of SPECTRE who decides to sleep with Bond when
she’s supposed to be killing him. Sure she tries to kill him later but
she fails and maybe if she had tried to kill him earlier she would have
succeded and not been fed to piranhas. Surely she would have known that
there would be deadly repercussions were she to fail and yet she still
decided to sleep with him instead and waste valuable time. That shows a
severe lack of judgment and common sense which coincidentally are the
two things that prevent most woman from wasting their time with me.
Would I be able to seize the opportunity of a hot redhead? Absolutely
not, I would fold like laundry on a Saturday morning. Her mission was to
kill Bond and she slept with him, if her mission was to sleep with me
she would kill me. And quickly. I probably wouldn’t even get my clothes
all the way off. I’d get too excited over the prospect of getting it on
with a hot redhead and I would act like an 8-year-old who knows they’re
going to Disneyland. She would kill me right in the middle of my pre-sex
dance.

38. Corinne Dufour

Hugo Drax’s personal helicopter pilot, Corinne sleeps with Bond and
gives him information on Drax that isn’t supposed to just because Bond
went into her bedroom at night. If that’s all I have to do then I have a
shot. The likelier scenario is she calls security as soon as I open her
bedroom door and I get fed to Drax’s dogs instead of her.

37. Mary Goodnight

Mary Goodnight is an idiot. If dumb blondes had a poster child it would
be her. She’s supposed to be a secret agent but she is just so
incredibly ditzy and bad at her job she makes Rosie Carver look like
Joanna Dark. This woman doesn’t even know how solar power works. All she
does is get in Bond’s way, at one point she almost kills him when she
turns on a laser by accidentally walking her butt into the button.
Considering I ranked Rosie Carver so low because her stupidity would
give me the best chance at any Bond Girl you may be wondering why Mary
Goodnight is ranked so much higher. The answer is simple. Mary Goodnight
spends the majority of her screen time in a bikini and I mean look at
her. She looks really good in a bikini, like astoundingly good in a
bikini. So maybe I could weasel my way into seducing her due to her
stupidity but even if I did I couldn’t handle someone who looks that
good in a bikini. I was not made to seduce women who look that good in a
bikini, I can’t even flirt with women who look bad in bikinis. Also like
I said, she’s so dumb she doesn’t even know what solar power is and
there’s no way I wouldn’t get annoyed at that level of stupidity.

36. Plenty O’Toole
I don’t know much about Plenty O’Toole as a person other than she’s
slightly annoying and a gold digger but I do know that she’s far too hot
to be anywhere near my vicinity. I’m not rich enough or good enough at
gambling for her to approach me in a casino so I would have to approach
her and let me tell you there is no universe where I don’t bust talking
to her and that would make it even harder cause I’m sure the stain on my
pants would be a big turn off. Gambling is all about luck and random
chance so there is a sliver of hope that my ‘bet it all on black’
mentality wins and she goes back to my room to take some of my winnings.

35. Holly Goodhead

I will not ever find out if her last name is accurate.

34. Pam Bouvier
Pam Bouvier is the real deal. She’s a CIA agent who’s every bit Bond’s
equal and a pixie-cut queen. She’s the type of girl that if you were on
a date with her and a bunch of punks tried making trouble she’d be the
one to beat them up instead of them beating you up when you try to act
tough to impress her. She’s a fearless, intelligent woman who would know
just by a glance that I am wasting her time by even walking towards her.
And I’d be super intimidated by such a capable woman who can rock short
hair that well. But she is a bit of a tomboy so I’d be able to chat her
up and hope she too enjoys talking about fun film facts that feminine
women get annoyed by like Viggo Mortensen breaking his toe when he kicks
the helmet in Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers.

33. Stacey Sutton

I do have to give Stacey Sutton some credit. She comes from a family of
oil tycoons and was set to inherit the business but still went out to
get an education in earth science. Good for her. She could have just
been a blonde bimbo nepo baby but she went off to school to learn.
That’s bad news for me because it means she’s not only too hot and rich
to be mucking about with the likes of me but she’s also too smart.
Perhaps she wouldn’t mind an everyman layabout schlub to keep her down
to earth but there are probably better schlubs than me.

32. Tilly Masterson

Tilly is after revenge on Auric Goldfinger for the death of her sister.
It was a very famous death that I’m sure you’ve already pictured in your
head the moment you read the word ‘Goldfinger’. As previously mentioned
I don’t do well with serious topics so I would probably say something
stupid like “Well at least when she died she looked like a million
bucks” and she would run me over.

31. Jill Masterson
Well, she looks like a million bucks.

30. Sévérine
Sévérine has maybe the darkest backstory of any Bond Girl. She was a
victim of the sex trade and forced into child prostitution and only got
out by being sold to Raoul Silva as his slave. That would make me very
uncomfortable around her. I don’t go to therapy despite the voices
telling me I should but if I did I know the therapist would tell me I
use humor as a defense mechanism against uncomfortable trauma. I do not
believe I would get through a conversation with her without making a
really inappropriate joke which she would then shoot me for.

29. Strawberry Fields

Yes, I’m going to sing the song, yes she’s heard that a thousand times
and yes she will punch me in the face.

28. Melina Havelock
A hard-edged, steely-eyed, raven-haired badass beauty with a crossbow on
a quest for revenge. Melina is an intelligent, courageous young woman
who will do whatever it takes to make sure the people who killed her
parents are brought to justice. She’s charismatic and a little bit
mysterious and that frightens me. Just looking into her eyes I don’t
know if I should be nervous because she’s a pretty lady or nervous
because she’s a pretty lady who’s about to shoot me with a crossbow.
That nervousness would lead to me jumbling my words and asking her if
she’d like to shoot me with a crossbow sometime. She’s Greek though and
so am I so no doubt my ability to pronounce “Gyro” correctly will
impress her.

27. Solitaire

The nice thing about trying to hit on Solitaire is that since she can
(allegedly) see the future she would know exactly what’s gonna happen
and would simply reject me before I could even embarrass myself.
Unfortunately, I don’t believe in psychics or voodoo so no matter how
many “The Fool” tarot cards she flips I would not believe her, and I
would embarrass myself repeatedly as each of her predictions come true.
Make no mistake though, that doesn’t prove anything because it doesn’t
take a psychic to know I am a fool who has no chance of succeeding with
beautiful ladies.

26. Miranda Frost
She could (and would) impale me with a sword and I would say “Thank you
Mother”.

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25. Eve Moneypenny

Iknow what you’re going to say. Moneypenny doesn’t count as a Bond Girl
but to that I say, shut up nerd. When she’s a secretary she doesn’t
count as a Bond Girl but when she’s a field agent named Eve who isn’t
revealed to be Moneypenny until the very end of the movie she counts.
This Moneypenny is such a bad field agent that she gets demoted to
secretary so ordinarily I would say maybe I have a shot because I could
provide a nice sense of normalcy to her hectic terrible life. However,
she is so hot and so out of my league that even if I did charm her I
would be arrested by MI6 whilst trying to visit her at work. Even
government intelligence who keeps tabs on all its employees would assume
I am a crazy stalker and frankly I wouldn’t blame them. If I saw someone
like me getting close to someone like her I would also assume the worst.

24. Estrella

I don’t know anything about Estrella. She’s in Spectre for like two
minutes in the pre-title sequence but I don’t need to know anything
about her. She’s a hot Mexican. I would eat my fingers one by one for
the opportunity to spend a few minutes with her and not even do
anything, just stand next to her. But alas I have a greater chance of
flying to the moon by flapping my arms really fast than I have of being
with a hot Mexican. No matter how many times I try, my Spanish pickup
line “Dónde está la Biblioteca” has yet to work and I’m starting to lose
hope.

23. Camille Montes

Another hot Latina except this one is so focused and determined in her
revenge mission that she doesn’t even sleep with Bond. That’s right, a
Bond Girl who doesn’t sleep with Bond. She wants revenge, she has no
time for sex, not even with James Bond. If she ain’t got time to sleep
with Bond, what do you think she’d do to me if I came up and tried to
waste her time? I’ll tell you, a bullet between my eyes.

22. Teresa di Vicenzo

The only woman to ever get Bond to tie the knot. Do you know how special
of a woman you have to be to get James Bond of all people to settle
down? This is a man who goes through women like I go through Cool Ranch
Doritos and this woman made him want monogamy. Suffice it to say, a
woman like that is truly one of a kind and I don’t belong anywhere near
her. Considering her father is a mob boss I’m sure I’d be whacked before
I got within 10 yards.

21. Octopussy

The thing about Octopussy is that Octopussy is a nickname that her
father gave her when she was a kid and that’s really creepy and weird
and I’d never let that go and she’d have her octopus cult of henchwomen
kill me.

20. Lucia Sciarra

I have to break kayfabe for this one. That’s Monica Bellucci. One of the
most beautiful women to ever walk the face of the earth. So you may be
wondering why she’s not much higher. Well, that’s because she’s
currently in a relationship with Tim Burton so she clearly has a thing
for weird little guys.

19. Nomi

Nomi became 007 after Bond retired. Now I’m not sure if as the new 007
she slept with as many people as Bond did but I’ll tell you this I am
not of the standards of a 007 sexual partner. She’d probably use me as a
human shield in a shoot-out and honestly good for her, that’s a great
strategy, I’m plump so I’d provide ample protection and no one will miss
me when I’m gone so she won’t even get reprimanded for it.

18. Paris Carver
I will never find out if they’re real or if they’re spectacular.

17. Tiffany Case

A lot of people hate Tiffany Case because she’s ditzy and annoying. Even
Bond calls her a stupid twit at one point. All of that may be true but
this isn’t a list of best Bond Girls, this is a list based on my supreme
inability to charm beautiful women and in that context, Tiffany Case is
a hot red-headed baddie. I’ve been chasing red-headed baddies ever since
I was a kid and watched Kim Possible and let me tell you, the way that
chase is going I am going to die alone. Tiffany is a diamond smuggler
which means she’s rich and has an entrepreneurial mindset. I am a lazy
stay-at-home writer with an “I should play Mass Effect again” mindset.
Perhaps she’s ditzy enough to waste some amount of time with me but it’s
only a matter of time until one of two things happens. Either the
presence of a real-life red-headed baddie drives me into a panic attack
at the thought of blowing it or she realizes that even a ditz like her
can do better than a stupid idiot like me once she sees that the only
topic I can hold a conversation about is the artistic merits of the
Bully Maguire dance in Spider-Man 3. Both. Probably both.

16. May Day

She’d snap me in half like a twig just for looking at her.

15. Anya Amasova
Anya is one of the best secret agents in Russia which means my nervous,
neurotic blubbering of bad pickup lines isn’t just going to get a drink
thrown in my face, it’s gonna put me on the same list Putin puts
journalists and political rivals. Me and probably my whole family will
die under suspicious circumstances just for me disrespecting the air she
breathes by also breathing it. My attempts at being charming would most
likely be so atrocious and off-putting that they would be seen as an act
of aggression and I may just cause an international incident.

14. Fiona Volpe
In a world of red-headed baddies, Fiona Volpe is the baddest of them
all. A n strong, seductive stone cold killer Volpe is almost like an
anti-Bond. She’s an assassin for SPECTRE who’s an expert in plotting,
manipulation, sabotage, and killing. Bond sleeps around because he can,
and Volpe sleeps around when the job demands it. I would never be a job
that demanded it. Even if I was an enemy of SPECTRE she wouldn’t need to
seduce me to kill me, she could just kill me. Honestly, if she asked me
to do it myself I probably would because who am I to turn down any
request from such a strong sexy woman? Volpe is the type of woman whose
mere gaze will make you feel like you just got shot and with her you
probably did. I’d buy her a drink and she would poison mine.

13. Sylvia Trench
Sylvia Trench isn’t just the first Bond Girl, she’s who he stole his
catchphrase from. That’s right, a woman so charming and charismatic that
James Bond took his catchphrase from her. Immediately out of my league.
In addition to that, she’s a well-cultured woman. A high-stakes gambler,
a golfer, a woman daring enough to break into men’s apartments and wait
for them wearing nothing but one of their shirts. I’d never be one of
those men whose apartments she breaks into, if anything she would
mistake me for a casino waiter. That’s a woman who needs a man and I am
but a man-child. There’s no way I could handle myself around her. I’d
ask her name and she’d say “Trench. Sylvia Trench. And you?” and I’d be
so out of my element that I’d say something like “Matt. Matt. Matt
Fresh. Fresh Matt.” She’d assume I’m having a stroke and tell casino
employees to call an ambulance.

12. Professor Inga Bergstrom

Professor Inga Bergstrom appears very briefly in Tomorrow Never Dies.
She’s in it so briefly that I couldn’t actually get a picture of her
from the movie. Frankly, I’m pushing it by classifying her as a Bond
Girl and including her on this list, let alone ranking her so highly.
Here’s the thing though, she is one of the hottest women I’ve ever seen
in my life, and on top of that she’s a Professor at Oxford University
which means she’s also highly intelligent. I don’t deserve to exist on
the same planet as this woman and were I to have the opportunity to
potentially charm her I doubt I’d do anything other than weep over how
unworthy I am to be in her presence.

11. Xenia Onatopp

Make no mistake, I would fumble Xenia as hard as any man could fumble a
beautiful, strong, woman. I already have negative rizz, I can’t imagine
what gibberish would come out of my mouth should I attempt to converse
with her. I would likely not leave an encounter with her alive. The only
reason she isn’t in the top ten is because she gets off on killing men
during sex so there’s a chance she’d sleep with me just to kill me and
that’s a risk I’m willing to take. At least I’d be able to die knowing
at least one woman finished first.

10. Honey Ryder

Honey Ryder rising out of the ocean in her bikini is one of the most
iconic moments in the Bond series and cinema itself. Do you know how hot
you have to be for you just walking out of the ocean in a swimsuit to be
considered iconic? Even Bond’s jaw is on the floor when he first sees
her. If I was on the same beach as Honey Ryder and I approached her in
my swimwear I would be escorted away by police. If we were both fully
clothed in a Walmart parking lot and my car was next to her I would be
escorted away by police. She goes along with Bond because just because
Dr. No wrecked her boat. If she’s willing to help a secret agent take
down a dangerous terrorist mastermind lord knows what she’d do to me if
I made the mistake of using my patented charm to say “Honey Ryder, I
hardly know her”.

9. Domino Derval
I could spend a paragraph talking about how Domino is a sexy,
intelligent, courageous woman. I could spend some run-on sentences
talking about how she has all the qualities of a top Bond Girl, how she
kills villain Emilio Largo by shooting him with a harpoon gun, and
making a joke about how she would do the same to me. I could even add
some colorful commentary on some nonsense made-up reasons that I may
have an ever so slight chance at not fumbling. But let’s be real, look
at the woman in that picture and then look back at the little picture of
me in the header image. Nuff said.

8. Elektra King
Aside from her beauty, Elektra is the daughter of an oil tycoon which
means she’s loaded furthering the gap that poor, lowly, online comedy
writer me would have to cross in the hopes of winning her affection.
She’s also a strong-willed and uber-determined woman, so determined is
she to get what she wants that she’s willing to shack up with a
terrorist who kidnapped her. So my lackadaisical aim low and avoid
disappointment attitude would only give her even more of the ick were I
to approach. My one saving grace here is that if she’s willing to be
with the weird-looking anarchist who kidnapped her then maybe she’s also
willing to be with a funny-looking slacker who writes silly lists for
the internet. Or maybe the aforementioned kidnapper would kill me for
approaching his woman?

7. Dr. Madeleine Swann

I would slit my wrists for a chance to talk to this woman.

6. Dr. Christmas Jones
Here’s the thing, an average-looking nuclear physicist is out of my
league. An ugly nuclear physicist is out of my league. Dr. Christmas
Jones isn’t just out of my league, she’s in a completely different
stratosphere. She has the brains of Marie Curie and the looks of Lara
Croft, how does one even approach a woman like that without becoming a
blubbering mess? She’s so hot that if I was walking down the street and
she was walking towards me I would cross to the other side out of
respect. If I could muster a meek “Hi” to her, I would consider that a
win because no meeting between the two of us would ever get farther than
that. If someone introduced us and she said “ew” I would respectfully
agree. Were I to ever attempt to seduce Dr. Christmas Jones I would turn
into one of the devolved mute humans from Planet of the Apes once I got
within 50 feet of her.

5. Jinx

First emerging out of the water just like Honey Ryder did 20 years
earlier, Jinx is named such because she was born on Friday the 13th and
is a bastion of bad luck. That’s where I come in. Jinx is one of the
hottest women to ever walk the face of the earth. She’s so hot that we
forgave her for Catwoman. I have a better chance at becoming the
first-ever Canadian President of the United States than I do of ever
getting with this woman. I would have a heart attack and die just seeing
her in person. But as I said she’s called Jinx for a reason and her bad
luck means she’s going to be approached by me, I’m going to say a few
awful pickup lines and she is going to knee me in the groin. But maybe,
just maybe her curse of bad luck will translate into me getting farther
with her than I would with the few Bond Girls above her. That is to say,
maybe I’ll get a phone number that when I call for a date is actually
just a Wendy’s.

4. Pussy Galore

Pussy Galore is famous for being one of the few women who Bond really
had to work for. She was immune to charms for a large portion of the
movie. Any woman who James Bond has trouble seducing essentially leaves
me with a less than zero percent chance of seducing. I have neither the
charisma nor handsomeness of James Bond let alone the drive to continue
pursuing a woman who is so strong-willed against seduction. When I get
even politely rejected I wallow in self-pity and despair for at least
two weeks, staying locked in my room with the blinds closed and lights
off while silently playing FFXIV which if you didn’t know has a free
trial that includes the first two critically acclaimed expansions and
lets you play up to level 70 with no restrictions on playtime. The point
is there’s no way I’d be able to handle a woman like Pussy Galore. She’d
probably just kill me on sight, to be honest. Even if I lived long
enough to talk to her I’d end up making a joke about her name and be
promptly killed. So either way I’m not leaving this interaction alive
and I probably had it coming.

3. Wai Lin
Wai Lin is played by Michelle Yeoh. I am not leaving this encounter
without getting beaten to a pulp. Even if I had the charm and charisma
to strike up a conversation with her, she would inevitably end up
beating me up and it wouldn’t be because I requested it. I’m not even
sure I’d be able to get within 5 feet of her before she just beat me up
out of instinct. This is a woman who is on par with James Bond in terms
of skills as an action hero, probably a few steps above him in
hand-to-hand combat. I don’t stand a chance.

2. Paloma
If I was in the same room as this woman I would explode into a puddle of
creamy goo.

1. Vesper Lynd
Vesper Lynd is the best Bond Girl of all time. She is the perfect
combination of all the best aspects of a Bond Girl. She’s smart,
independent, beautiful beyond belief, and morally dubious. Vesper Lynd
is such a catch that James Bond spent the next four movies not being
able to get over her. Even after she betrayed him. I would barely be
able to utter a single word to this woman and whatever that word is, it
would not impress her all, it probably wouldn’t be a word from any real
language. I would say hello to her incorrectly and blow it all. I might
not even get that far. I’d probably fumble on my walk over to her. I’d
see her from across the room and just go home because someone like me
does not deserve to be in the same room as someone like her. If she
approached me intent on getting my number I would still fumble. If I was
James Bond I would still fumble. If she was brainwashed into being with
me and tried to force me to sleep with her I would decline out of
respect because even I know I’m not worthy and don’t deserve it. There’s
not a single multiverse where I wouldn’t fumble Vesper Lynd.

Hello adventurer!