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Dealing With Adult Child Estrangement, a ‘Modern-Day Epidemic’

Health & Parenting Guide
Written by Batya Swift Yasgur, MA
June 20, 2023 -- Edward T., a retired doctor from Pennsylvania, has had
no contact with his 44-year-old daughter for 11 years. “Fiona has
bipolar disorder,” he said. “After a manic episode, she cut off contact,
blaming me for hospitalizing her.”

Edward continues to pay into a trust fund for her. “I want to be sure
she’s provided for. And I won’t deny I hope she’ll come around. I’m in
my 70s, with cardiac problems. I hope we reconnect during my lifetime.”

Yvonne B., a 61-year-old health care provider from California, has had
almost no contact with her 34-year-old daughter for over a year. “She
began distancing maybe 2 years ago. Then she texted, saying her
therapist advised her not to be in touch,” Yvonne said. “She called me
‘manipulative,’ and ‘narcissistic,’ and said she needed to ‘set
boundaries.’”

While Brenda did send a Merry Christmas text, any further contact was
off-limits. “I’m heartbroken because I thought we were close,” Yvonne
says. “She used to tell me what bothered her and we worked it out. I
don’t understand what changed.”

Kevin H., a computer technician from New York, hasn’t spoken to or heard
from his younger son for 15 years. “Fortunately, I have a good
relationship with my older son,” he said. “I’ll admit I’m not the most
emotionally expressive person on the planet, but I haven’t done anything
to deserve this. I think my ex-wife turned him against me.”

Edward, Yvonne, and Kevin are examples of an increasingly common trend
of adult children cutting ties with parents, according to Josh Coleman,
PhD, a phenomenon he calls “a modern-day epidemic and a modern-day
tragedy.”

Coleman, author of the books, Rules of Estrangement and When Parents
Hurt, acknowledges there are certain situations (physical or sexual
abuse, extreme invasiveness, ridicule, or condemnation) that might
justify distancing or disconnecting from a parent. “But I’ve worked with
hundreds of people who have been good — or good enough — parents and
don’t deserve this type of treatment.”

The Evolving Concept of ‘Family’

“For centuries, society’s values included ‘respect your elders’ and
‘honor thy father and mother,’ and there were notions of loyalty and
family ties. But today’s values focus more on identity, personal growth,
individual happiness, and self-esteem,” Coleman said. Anyone perceived
as standing in the way — including a parent — can be jettisoned.

These values are part of changing notions of family in European-American
culture, which emphasizes individuality and separation, especially among
White Americans, he notes. “There is a more ‘collective’ focus among
African-American, Asian, and Latino families, and estrangement initiated
by an adult child is less common.”

A recent study of parents estranged from adult children, including 8,495
mother-child relationships and 8,119 father-child relationships,
corroborated this. The researchers found that about a quarter of
respondents were estranged from their fathers. On average, respondents
were 23 years old when the estrangement began. On the other hand, only
6% reported estrangement from mothers, with a slightly older average age
of estrangement of 26.

Black adult children were less likely than White adult children to be
estranged from their mothers but more likely to be estranged from their
fathers.

“Estrangement” was defined as “any period of time when there was either
no contact between parent and adult child, or when there was little
contact and very low relationship closeness, based on reports by
children,” said lead study author Rin Reczek, PhD, professor of
sociology at Ohio State University.

“Mothers are the primary caregivers to children in our society, so it
makes sense that they have more durable ties and are more likely to stay
closer to their children in adulthood,” said Reczek, who is the author
of the book Families We Keep.

Differences between Black families and White families “may also reflect
social-cultural norms centering mothers in Black family life,” she said.

Encouragingly, 81% of mothers and 69% of fathers ultimately reconnected
with their formerly estranged adult children, although the researchers
found no racial or ethnic differences in who reconnected.

Reasons for Estrangement

Coleman lists several reasons adult children cut ties.

Divorce: Sometimes, the ex-spouse turns the child against the other
spouse. Some children feel the need to “pick sides,” even if the other
parent isn’t actively maligning the ex-partner. Or when a divorced
parent remarries, the adult child might resent the new partner and
reject the parent.
Opposing religious or political views: Children may judge their parents’
religious practices or viewpoints or feel their parents judge them.
A son- or daughter-in-law: Your child’s partner might turn your formerly
loving child against you.
Addiction and mental illness: For example, if parents have set
boundaries with a child who’s using substances, the child might
retaliate by not being in touch. And mental illness might distort the
child’s view of the parent.
Therapists: Therapists typically explore their clients’ childhood
memories to see how they might have contributed to present-day
difficulties. But in doing so, a misguided therapist may “inadvertently
encourage a victimized stance in relation to the parent, as opposed to a
stance that sees the parent in a more three-dimensional way.”
And some therapists use diagnostic terms, like “narcissist” or
“borderline,” to describe parents they’ve never met. Mental health is
regarded as a process of setting boundaries rather than finding
compassion toward a parent’s human imperfections.

Disenfranchised Grief and Anger

Yvonne says it’s hard to find emotional support. Of the few people she’s
told, some think she must have done something terrible to warrant this
type of treatment. Others are dismissive, saying, “kids are like that.”

There’s social support for parents who have lost children to illnesses
or accidents, but none “for my situation, having a child who’s alive
physically but makes herself dead to me,” Yvonne says.

Most parents of estranged adult children dread Mother’s Day, Father’s
Day, holidays, and other events in which family togetherness is
celebrated. Even good relationships with their other children don’t make
up for the “missing person” at the Thanksgiving table.

Mistakes to Avoid

Coleman points to common mistakes parents make when trying to heal an
estrangement.

Seeking fairness: This isn’t about you being treated fairly as a person.
It’s about finding a strategic way to reach your estranged child.
Utilizing guilt: Invoking how you’ve been wronged and hoping your child
will feel guilty enough to reconsider isn’t likely to work and may
worsen the problem.
Returning fire with fire: Counterattacking will only create further
antagonism.
Thinking it will heal quickly: Even if there’s some movement toward
reconciliation on your child’s part, healing is usually a slow process.
Thinking the distance is all about you: Your adult children have issues
that might impact how they see things in ways you’re not aware of.
Challenging your child’s therapist, your ex-spouse, or your child’s
spouse/partner: Doing so will only push your child further away. The
same is true if you criticize your child’s favorite political candidate
or spiritual leader.
What Can I Do to Heal the Rift?

Coleman recommends seeking the “kernel of truth” in your adult child’s
complaints, even if they seem outrageous. “You might say, ‘I haven’t
thought about myself in that way, but maybe there were narcissistic
things I did. Is there a particular memory that gave you that feeling?’
That shows you’re receptive to their concerns.”

You can ask to go into therapy with them to address these concerns. And
if you’re sitting with the therapist, it’s better to listen than to
challenge your child’s memories or perceptions. “And if your child has a
false memory, you can say, ‘I don’t recall it that way but let me think
about it and get back to you,’” Coleman said.

You may not be able to propose therapy or respond to your child’s
complaints if he/she won’t talk to you, so Coleman suggests writing a
“letter of amends.”

Communicate empathetically and with willingness to take responsibility
for any mistakes you might have made. “If you don’t understand why your
child distanced, tell the child you don’t understand but you want to,
that it’s clear you have blind spots.” In your letter, you can express
willingness to go into family therapy together, even to meet his/her
therapist.

Should I Keep Trying or Just Give Up?

Kevin has written “countless emails” to his son, asking what he did
wrong and offering to go into counseling together. “My son wrote back
once saying, ‘If you don’t know, I don’t have to tell you.’ He hasn’t
responded to any communications since.” Eventually, Kevin gave up but
wonders if that was the right thing to do and whether he should try to
reinitiate contact.