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Every Bond Girl Ranked by How Hard I’d Fumble

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BY MATT FRESH ON JUNE 12, 2024
The James Bond series is known for many things. Globe-trotting
adventures, blood-pumping action, diabolical villains with overly
theatrical lairs, strange henchmen that have a single quirk that
encapsulates their entire persona, elaborate death traps that take just
long enough for Bond to escape before he’s killed, and so on. Perhaps
the thing which the series is most known for next to Bond himself is the
Bond Girl.

Bond Girls come in many forms. Some are femme fatales, some are outright
enemies, some are allies and some are just one-night stands. Some of
them are just as badass and skillful as Bond, some of them are complete
ditzes only there for eye candy and some of them are Denise Richards as
a nuclear physicist. While they all come from different backgrounds,
have different motivations, different skills, and different amounts of
plausibility, the one thing every Bond Girl has in common is that they
are the most beautiful women on earth. James Bond has the most rizz that
anyone with rizz has ever rizzed.

There’s a reason that all men want to be James Bond and that’s because
all the women want to be with him. Even the Bond girls he doesn’t sleep
with are still charmed by him. I on the other hand am the exact
opposite. Men don’t want to be me and women don’t want to be with me. I
write entertainment satire on the internet for goodness sake. I have
negative rizz. The only thing I have any skill at is fumbling. It’s why
my mom has no choice but to resign to the fact she will get no
grandchildren from me and I have no choice but to accept my fate of
dying alone while playing Mass Effect. I fumble women so much that I’d
win a medal at it if being bad at dating was an Olympic sport so I’d
stand no chance at even existing as a human in the vicinity of a Bond
Girl. Even if I was James Bond I would fumble them all. Not some of
them, not most of them, all of them. But not all fumbles are made equal
so here are all the Bond Girls ranked based on just how hard I would fumble.

75. Bibi Dahl
Bibi Dahl is a teenager so I wouldn’t even attempt anything. I’m not Drake.

74. Zora

Zora is a gypsy girl who is fighting another gypsy girl over a man.
Naturally Bond ends up with both of them. I of course would end up with
none of them but I do have a better chance with them than any other Bond
Girl. After all, they’re willing to fight over a gypsy dude so I figure
I’m not too shabby in comparison. At least until they get to know me.

73. Vida

Vida is the girl that Zora is fighting so everything I said about Zora
applies here as well. My one true shot is by being just slightly more
desirable than a gypsy man. That gives me a 0.01% chance to not fumble
which is 0.01% higher than my odds to not fumble any of the other Bond
Girls.

72. Nancy

Nancy is one of Blofeld’s Angels of Death, twelve women who think
they’re part of clinical allergy research but are actually being
brainwashed by Blofeld to release bio-weapons across the world. Nancy is
pretty nondescript. We never learn that much about her and the only
thing of substance she does in the film is seduce Bond minutes after
he’s already slept with another one of the women. The reason she’s
ranked so low is because of the very little things we do know about her.
For one, she seduces Bond because being at a research institute of all
women means she’s very horny so as long as I can be the only man there I
have a shot provided my presence doesn’t make her become a lesbian which
I will admit has happened once already so I don’t rule it out. The other
thing is that she’s there to cure a potato allergy so she must
absolutely love potatoes and my mom makes tons of potatoes so she can
come over for dinner. She’ll immediately leave after meeting my family
but it’s still the farthest I’d ever get with any of Bond Girl.

71. Ruby Bartlett
Ruby is the other of the Angels of Death that Bond sleeps with and much
of what I said about Nancy applies to her as well. I have a higher
chance of fumbling her however since she resembles a librarian and I
have a thing for hot librarians. What can I say I like to be shushed.

70. Ling
I don’t know much about Ling other than she’s some kind of agent who
helped Bond fake his death after sleeping with him. If she’s an agent
she’s clearly a capable woman who would have no trouble disposing of me.
But she also lets Bond get away with making comments about how Chinese
women taste different than other women so who knows what else she’d put
up with.

69. Caroline
Caroline is an MI6 psychological and psychiatric evaluator which means
I’m either going to become the basis of years worth of research or a
chance for her to fix me. It’s 50/50 honestly.

68. Marie

Marie is a henchwoman to Blofeld who has information that Bond needs. He
rips off her bikini top and chokes her with it until she talks. You’d
have to choke me with a bikini top to get me to work up the nerve to
talk to a hot French woman in a bikini and even if I did, nothing of
value would come out of my mouth. Luckily I’m Canadian so this beautiful
French lady and I already have one thing in common that may help my
odds. We hate Quebec.

67. Felicca

I approach her,

“Hi Felicca”

She gives me a steely stare

”Okay, bye Felicca”

66. Rosie Carver

Rosie Carver is a bit of a ditz. She’s not very good at her job as an
agent and generally just never really knows what’s going on or what to
do. This would give me a slight advantage as I too never know what’s
going on or what to do. I imagine her quirky, ditzy demeanor would make
her somewhat easy to talk to, although since I am incapable of talking
to attractive women it would still be difficult and I eventually would
blow it. She probably wouldn’t even realize my fumbles the first few
times which is good but it’s only a matter of time before I say or do
something that even she understands means I am not gonna be a guy she
goes home with.

65. Countess Lisl von Schlaf

My tombstone would read, “Matt Fresh, Eaten Alive by a Cougar”

64. Manuela

Manuela is a Brazillian agent who helps James Bond on his mission in
Moonraker by helping him obtain vital intel on villain Hugo Drax and
then helping him unwind in his hotel room. He successfully seduced her
by asking what there is to do for five hours in Rio if you don’t samba.
Now my chances with her are extraordinarily slim since despite them
being my holy grail, Latinas don’t seem to go for my ghastly white
complexion, and there’s only one thing my tongue is worse at than
rolling Rs. However, I also don’t samba so it seems she’s already
willing to help out a fellow like me. Perhaps I too could bed Manuela if
I simply ask her what there is to do for three minutes in Rio if you
don’t Samba.

63. Aki

Aki is a Japanese intelligence officer and is one of the more capable
Bond Girls in the whole series, saving Bond multiple times. She even
helps turn him into a Japanese man. Yes, you read that right, there’s a
Bond movie where he disguises himself as a Japanese man, the 60s were a
wild time. I doubt Aki would do any of that for a man as unremarkable as
me but never discount what a woman who’s willing to give her man the Mr.
Yunioshi makeover will deal with. Perhaps I have a shot.

62. Magda

Magda would hit me so hard that I would only remember as much of our
encounter as anyone remembers about the movie Octopussy. So not much.

61. Saida

Saida is a belly dancer which automatically means she’s too hot for a
schlub like me. My cousin had a belly dancer at her wedding and when she
approached my table I turned a shade of red that isn’t even in most
paint swatches. Imagine what would happen to me if I tried talking to
one. However, Saida tries to seduce Bond almost immediately upon meeting
him even though he’s a friend of her recently murdered lover 002 so
perhaps she’s just horny enough to not mind all of my many deficiencies.
Then again if there’s anyone that’s unappealing enough to turn off a
sex-happy belly dancer it’s me.

60. Chew Mee

“Chew Me, well don’t mind if I do, oh what’s that, you’re calling the
cops, okay I’m leaving.”

59. Natalya Simonova
I know some of you are thinking that I ranked Natalya fairly low solely
as some kind of deranged retribution for the annoyance of escorting her
around in the Goldeneye video game. But that’s only partly true. Natalya
is just a normal woman. She’s not an agent, not a henchwoman, not a
high-stakes poker player, not a rich and high-ranking member of society.
She’s just a regular person who goes to work, chats with her friends,
and lives an average life. Until of course, she ends up in the middle of
a Bond movie and becomes a Bond Girl and the bane of every N64 gamer’s
existence this side of Navi but I digress. She is still a smart,
attractive, independent woman so I, of course, have no chance but her
comparative normalness to the other Bond Girls means I have a chance at
least at not fumbling her as hard as the others. Plus she was friendly
to and put up with Boris before he was revealed as a traitor and I only
yell that I am invincible about half as much.