From time to time I used to read the pocket size magazine. The best part was the funny true stories submited by the readers. With that spirit in mind I submit 2 for your evaluation. I'm pretty sure I was a published author in another life.

FAQ
I always get the question of how/why do I get attacked so many times and I find a lot of software bugs. I leave my previous life private and everybody gets the partial truth.
One day I purchased a used SSD with the serial number NSA*. Fortunately it was not April's Fool and I took it as a sign. I hardware erased and encrypted the drive and took it for a spin. It turns out that it exploits some processor back door and watermarks (bleachbit wipe SSD free space sound) and calls home for help to Niger where all the 3 letter organized crime slavers come from. After that is open season.
The SSD is available for sale at the bargain price of 200 million USD which is less than 1% of the budget of the above mention entity.

Honorary Hosting
ITL (invisible things lab) is the parent owner of Qubes OS. A word renowned brain surgeon that specializes in labatomies is the hoster of weekly builds. Needless to say the whole ideea is ridiculous and in 3 years I only once took the pain and with outside help I was able to torrent one of the weekly releases. Currently I'm banned because I called the guy a "backstabber". It should give the developers time to celebrate Quanza with their families... That's the spirit!