1997 - 1998) "In retrospect, lighting the match was my big mistake. But
I was only trying to save the gerbil," Eric Tomaszewski told the bemused
doctors in the Severe Burns Unit of Salt Lake City Hospital. Tomaszewski
and his homosexual partner, Andrew "Kiki" Farnum, had been admitted for
emergency treatment after a felching session had gone seriously wrong.
"I pushed a cardboard toilet paper tube up his rectum and slipped
Ragout, our gerbil, in," he explained. "As usual, Kiki shouted out
'Armageddon,' my cue that he'd had reached nirvana, so to speak. I tried
to retrieve Raggot but he simply would not come out, so I peered into
the tube and struck a match, thinking the light might attract him."

At a hushed press conference, a hospital spokesman desribed what
happened next.

"The match ignited a pocket of intestinal methane gas in Kiki's colon.
Flames shot out the tube, ignited Mr. Tomaszewski's hair and severely
burning his face. It also set fire to the gerbil's fur and whiskers,
causing it to scurry further up Kiki's colon, which in turn ignited a
larger pocket of gas further up the intestine, propelling the rodent out
of the cardboard tube like a cannonball.'

Tomaszewski suffered second degree burns and a broken nose from the
impact of the gerbil, while Farnum suffered first and second degree
burns to his anus and lower intestinal tract.

Sadly, Ragout the gerbil did not survive the incident.

--
AA #1898
Giver of No Fucks
Keeper of the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch